Emotional Carnage

​Ever realise how short sighted you were emotionally when things were not going right and you were desperate to be okay and happy and have all that you wanted. Everything seemed so urgent and even though you didn’t get what you wanted you’re okay right now?
I remember when I was very depressed and getting CBT to try to find a way to cope from my so called manic life.
The main topic was relationships and my expectations from a relationship.
Discussing how to function everyday despite this undying need to be loved and not rejected.

It seems so important and became an obsession. My need to be valued and loved and needed and wanted was so strong it surpasses common sense.

But no one has full common sense, if you are not emotionally mature then you’ll carry on as a child in need of approval and love. And that’s okay, we all have different levels of emotional intelligence and the whole point of living is to learn and grow.

Looking back now I think oh my what a waste. If only I’d known what I know now I would be happy and lived and enjoyed life in my own terms without influence from my ego, fears or outside sources.

I can see myself right now standing outside myself and living mindlessly. There was no connection between my soul and my body.
It’s like getting into a car and letting thr car drive you rather than you drive the car.

Now i feel in present and connected. You know you are really driving when you feel the wheel, the pedals, the engine. You’re in tune with every shift in gear and every bump. When you think about why you make the turns you make rather than just go with it. It feels alive.

I feel now that I’m long sighted and it almost seems as though I am more one with the world rather than a separate being.
I somehow feel connected without connecting with people.
It feels like a connection to something I can’t see but feel so strong and powerful.

I know that this connection is still at the beginning of it’s life and awareness and that I have more to enjoy and discover.

It is utterly amazing and calming.


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