My truth 01

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Dear Diary,

I need to vent a little hope it’s okay…..
Just feeling sad lol and fed up with humanity and people and society and perhaps the world I am personally in that makes me feel like this.

People are so shallow and judgemental and it’s hard to find peace from it if you know what I mean.

I know I need to internalise more to get away from it all but I’m just worn out by it all.
I hate the ugly side of people.
I hate that I am toooooooooo empathetic.
I hate that I feel alone.
Blah blah blah

I’m working on it for sure but it gets to me sometimes when all I want to do is have pillow talk cuddle cook and do life with someone I am in love with and who wants nothing more than to just explore us.
Instead I have all these half ass conversations with people and nothing to match the depth I need. My life saver have been my best friends. I am thankful for that.

You know me I want to throw caution to the wind and just be…..I need people like me around me……I would love to explore the parts of my spirituality yet touched on instead of going over the same things I know. Obviously I can do that by myself but nothing beats a great conversation.

Then God decides to take the piss out of me. And sends me a freind who would be perfect as the guy I am looking for but he is 22 and leaving the country in a few months to start his real life hahaha. I guess I know someone like that exists out there.

I’m just so tired of trying and consciously Co creating my life with the universe.
Perhaps that’s my answer right there! I need to not try and work on my subconscious instead then let go and let be. That feels nice.

I think I know what the universe or God is doing and but I’m just like I’m tired God so please enough but I know he will say but baby you haven’t learnt the lesson or accepted it yet lol

Anyway I find that ranting or talking about it always helps to get my mind right. And in this case it has. I know what I need to do next.

I wonder if I can post all I just wrote to you now.. I would love to be free and brave enough to do it,
I wish….but I find myself seeking permission from my sister and brother  which is strange cause after all my life my journey etc strange……guess I am scared of what people will think and perhaps that’s my biggest thing I need to not think about it.

So I am posting it and I hope and pray I can leave it here and perhaps it’ll help someone out.

Oh my God I just looked at who likes thus page and I am thinking wow this makes me feel naked but I need to get past that…..we all feel like this but we all hide it and paint a fake smile on and pretend the world is perfect and it’s not. I want to be open and freeeeeeeeee.

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THE PAIN

  

PEOM – THE PAIN

It wasn’t the start I imagined. 

But would it have ever happened 

Wasn’t it always like this?

Constant madness denouncing bliss. 

Yes that’s exactly how it always is. 

Aim for that goodness but manage to miss. 

If sadness had a currency then I’d be rich. 

Rich enough to make each day my bitch. 

But in reality sadness is constant rain.

I want to erase 90% of what’s in my brain.         

But each day I must relive the pain.

Who am I kidding, I was born to play this loosing game.