I LOVE YOU?

I miss you – I miss who I am when I’m with you
I love you – I love how you make me feel
I want you – I want you to make me feel good
I need you – I don’t think I’m enough

All of the above are usually said to another with good intentions.
What they can really mean is highlighted above and goes deeper and is usually a lacking in ourselves which is highlighted when we become close to people who make us feel good.

There is nothing wrong with it at all and being with family, friends and loved ones is a blessing. However it can also be a crutch that can lead to needs and expectations placed on the people close to us to continously feed us with happiness because at times we are unaware that we are enough and can make ourselves happy.

We completely disregard what we can offer ourselves and will never take the time to invest in consciously making our own lives on earth better using our own means.
This is something we are greatly missing out on and by ignoring this our own power we create a vortex of lacking which in the end hurts the ones we claim to love by trying to control them in order to get a hit of happiness.

We have all at some point in our lives used the words “I love you, miss you, need you and want you” from fear based reasons that were selfish and to get something back.

Everyone shows thier appreciation for others in different ways and perhaps for some saying I love you comes with no expectations and it simply is just pure love, which is the way it should be.

I’ve been thinking about this in more depth and have come to the conclusion that next time I wish to share my real appreciation for another person I would have to tell them “I love who you are” instead of “I love you”. Instead of I miss you, “I’m thinking of you and sending you good vibes”.
I can’t personally imagine using the words I want you ever again so I don’t have an alternative for that, and lastly instead of I need you, I would say can you……….please.

Why am I thinking of this? Because I want to be selfless and live life from a place of completeness rather than lacking. Peace of mind is priceless and being happy just like anything in life takes concious effort. Being selfless and to consciously choose to make myself and others happy is how I wish to live my life. I never want to take from another to complete myself because it’s a never ending self fulfilling profecy.

Ciao:) xx

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Emotional Carnage


​Ever realise how short sighted you were emotionally when things were not going right and you were desperate to be okay and happy and have all that you wanted. Everything seemed so urgent and even though you didn’t get what you wanted you’re okay right now?
I remember when I was very depressed and getting CBT to try to find a way to cope from my so called manic life.
The main topic was relationships and my expectations from a relationship.
Discussing how to function everyday despite this undying need to be loved and not rejected.

It seems so important and became an obsession. My need to be valued and loved and needed and wanted was so strong it surpasses common sense.

But no one has full common sense, if you are not emotionally mature then you’ll carry on as a child in need of approval and love. And that’s okay, we all have different levels of emotional intelligence and the whole point of living is to learn and grow.

Looking back now I think oh my what a waste. If only I’d known what I know now I would be happy and lived and enjoyed life in my own terms without influence from my ego, fears or outside sources.

I can see myself right now standing outside myself and living mindlessly. There was no connection between my soul and my body.
It’s like getting into a car and letting thr car drive you rather than you drive the car.

Now i feel in present and connected. You know you are really driving when you feel the wheel, the pedals, the engine. You’re in tune with every shift in gear and every bump. When you think about why you make the turns you make rather than just go with it. It feels alive.

I feel now that I’m long sighted and it almost seems as though I am more one with the world rather than a separate being.
I somehow feel connected without connecting with people.
It feels like a connection to something I can’t see but feel so strong and powerful.

I know that this connection is still at the beginning of it’s life and awareness and that I have more to enjoy and discover.

It is utterly amazing and calming.

I Don’t Need A Man! I Need My Purpose

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I am coming to realise that self love and ultimately happiness is about knowing your purpose and being fulfilled in whatever it is that you do.
Perhaps your damaged core beliefs and past hurts have nothing to do with being successful.
That if you have a purpose and meaning to your existence that it is in fact what will make you happy.

It is like playing a new game you like, it challenges you in various ways and you are excited to wake up and do it and keep going and no matter how many times you fail the levels you keep going. The passion drives you and it is what is needed for true happiness. This is everlasting happiness derived just from you.
The accomplishment is insane and thrilling, it is what makes you feel so alive and pushes you to continue to try and be better.

I feel that I’m going through all this because I need to learn how to find my purpose in order to help others discover theirs.
It is funny because I woke up feeling very sad this morning, I have done nothing as I don’t feel motivated to do anything. Instead I have cried a little, cried for myself and felt sorry for myself because I told myself i am alone in a world that doesn’t understand me.
That perhaps I will never get the life I want or be who I want because I am lost and I don’t know how to find my life purpose.
I want to wake up and be so excited to play my game, my life and do it well and change lives and explore the world and make a difference. I want to have a purpose.
I think it is what I have been missing all my life and I just can’t seem to find it and realising this has hit home that it is not a man or a relationship I need, I just want my purpose.
Because even if I had him I would still wake up feeling sad every day.

Maybe I’m living my purpose without knowing it right now but maybe I have not yet claimed it or put a title on it and I’m not making a living from it which I would like to do. Maybe I am, maybe I’ll find out….l’ll just have to keep going.

Just like a relationship I don’t want to settle for just anything or anyone or any job. I just want my purpose.

So I believe that in addition to self love you must know your purpose and you must know what you want. I guess I’m going through this very difficult time in my life so I can learn how to know one’s purpose and how to know or learn what you want out of life!

I will keep you posted and let you know what happens next as of right now I just now 100% that I don’t need a relationship I just need my purpose.

My truth 01

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Dear Diary,

I need to vent a little hope it’s okay…..
Just feeling sad lol and fed up with humanity and people and society and perhaps the world I am personally in that makes me feel like this.

People are so shallow and judgemental and it’s hard to find peace from it if you know what I mean.

I know I need to internalise more to get away from it all but I’m just worn out by it all.
I hate the ugly side of people.
I hate that I am toooooooooo empathetic.
I hate that I feel alone.
Blah blah blah

I’m working on it for sure but it gets to me sometimes when all I want to do is have pillow talk cuddle cook and do life with someone I am in love with and who wants nothing more than to just explore us.
Instead I have all these half ass conversations with people and nothing to match the depth I need. My life saver have been my best friends. I am thankful for that.

You know me I want to throw caution to the wind and just be…..I need people like me around me……I would love to explore the parts of my spirituality yet touched on instead of going over the same things I know. Obviously I can do that by myself but nothing beats a great conversation.

Then God decides to take the piss out of me. And sends me a freind who would be perfect as the guy I am looking for but he is 22 and leaving the country in a few months to start his real life hahaha. I guess I know someone like that exists out there.

I’m just so tired of trying and consciously Co creating my life with the universe.
Perhaps that’s my answer right there! I need to not try and work on my subconscious instead then let go and let be. That feels nice.

I think I know what the universe or God is doing and but I’m just like I’m tired God so please enough but I know he will say but baby you haven’t learnt the lesson or accepted it yet lol

Anyway I find that ranting or talking about it always helps to get my mind right. And in this case it has. I know what I need to do next.

I wonder if I can post all I just wrote to you now.. I would love to be free and brave enough to do it,
I wish….but I find myself seeking permission from my sister and brother  which is strange cause after all my life my journey etc strange……guess I am scared of what people will think and perhaps that’s my biggest thing I need to not think about it.

So I am posting it and I hope and pray I can leave it here and perhaps it’ll help someone out.

Oh my God I just looked at who likes thus page and I am thinking wow this makes me feel naked but I need to get past that…..we all feel like this but we all hide it and paint a fake smile on and pretend the world is perfect and it’s not. I want to be open and freeeeeeeeee.

THE PAIN

  

PEOM – THE PAIN

It wasn’t the start I imagined. 

But would it have ever happened 

Wasn’t it always like this?

Constant madness denouncing bliss. 

Yes that’s exactly how it always is. 

Aim for that goodness but manage to miss. 

If sadness had a currency then I’d be rich. 

Rich enough to make each day my bitch. 

But in reality sadness is constant rain.

I want to erase 90% of what’s in my brain.         

But each day I must relive the pain.

Who am I kidding, I was born to play this loosing game. 

🌺 SECRET OF THAT TIME OF THE MONTH! 

  

There is wonderful secret that women possess which has been lost and hidden from us for many years. 

Women hold this wonderful secret that allows them to heal their complete body, mind, emotions and spirit. The secrete is the true gift of our menstrual cycle and it’s beauty.  
If a woman’s heart is grounded and balanced she can heal any imbalance or disease by connecting and honouring the deeper side of herself. 

Through honouring the sacredness of her body, she is able to restore peace, health and harmony within herself. 

Most physical, emotional and spiritual suffering is a result of the separation of herself. 
The secret of the Devine Feminine has been lost over time and throughout the emerging of our patriarchal system. However all is not lost and this secrete that is sacredness can be found and restored if we women become aware and fully connect with the power of the universe. 
Did you know that during the time of the month a woman’s body produces Dimethyltryptamine aka DMT which is a compound that produces an expanded state of awareness? Well we do and it is found in the menstrual blood. 

This is something that many of us are unaware of or don’t fully understand or appreciate. 

It is a gift which we don’t even know we have. 
Our bodies are designed to experience these expanded levels of awareness every month, hence why we are usually very highly strung, emotional, angry, annoyed and short with everyone around us. We are supposed to channel all these states and use it as a means to reach the expanded levels of consciousness. 

DMT is a very powerful natural compound that can also be extracted from other sources. It has been used in shamanic rituals for divinatory and healing purposes.
We release this hormone from the pineal gland during the time of the month and this should be a scared and powerful time for us.

This is the time when we are closest to the source of life and all that is good and love. 

If we were to embrace this time and allow the process to expand our consciousness we would be able to 

purify ourselves beyond the physical attributes of our periods. 
We are literally reborn every month but we don’t appreciate what this means and how powerful this is in bring us closer to wholeness within ourselves. 
It allows us to reflect, deeply feel within our souls whether our lives are on the right path or not. 

It heightens buried emotions from our subconscious and gives us the chance to address them in order to have a better, aligned and attuned to our needs. 

I have come to realise that all those times my life was off track my time of the month was just like a thunderous dark cloud shadowing everything. 

I used to dread this time of the month because in the words of other I became this other person who was full of uncertainty and anger. 

For the first time in 15 years I am clam during this time. I have come to understand the secrete we posses and how by allowing and embracing it I can connect with my source on a spiritual level whilst going through a deep purification of old and coming into the new. 
Nowadays we are very disconnected from our bodies, mind and soul. We tolerate our period and do all we can to avoid going through the process every month. Like me before so many take for granted what this gift truly is. Don’t get me wrong I know how painful it can be and how inconvenient it can be but that’s the beauty of it all. By allowing our bodies to shed the old and bring in the new we purify ourselves on various levels. 
Instead of doing all we can to get away from this monthly gift, it is important that we understand how our own bodies can heal and create. 

By understanding and honouring what this means to us we can restore harmony within ourselves, for our homes and families. 
These days both women and men treat this sacred gift as a pain and something that is just inconvenient and damn right ugly. Back in the day women use to isolate themselves and go into seclusion during the “time” in order to experience these powerful states of expanded consciousness and healing. This allowed space for the clearing of negativity and the receiving of clarity and peace. 

Our disconnection with this innate power throws us off balance within our lives and ourselves. We are no longer listening to ourselves anymore but rather what the outside world has to say. 
This should be the time of month, where we can reconnect with ourselves, by being loving and kind to ourselves and by taping into the nurturing side of ourselves. 
We need to honour this gift and understand what it truly means. Of course if it’s excruciating by all means take pain killers, however learning to dance with your scared gift and learning her ways, by looking after yourself physically, mentally and emotionally you could probably heal yourself from the pain. 
We must not see this gift as a pain or something ugly which must never be spoken of or that we have to hide. We must honour it and realise that it is a chance to delve deeper into out mysteries and evolve each month into the process of becoming whole. 
By Sarah Martin